This amuses me for some reason.
Cal's blog
a quintessentially self-centered blog
12/26/2009
With my kind-of-new Tumblr (which keeps my mainstream favorites and anecdotal blog entries) and actual diary (which contains thoughts and feelings too human to reveal, lest you want to appear vulnerable slash pathetic), I usually have nothing left to write on this Livejournal. I have recently taken on to writing profusely on my diary again, something I haven't done since I started this LJ. I have no intentions of deleting this journal though, as it contains five years of my life which I can only relive by clicking the archives button. I will most likely transfer my personal Tumblr contents here in the future, same way I did for my Tabulas entries two years ago. I'm a sucker for streamlined online existence. Having more than one online blog for an extended period of time just doesn't feel right to me. But for now, it's alright. I wish I have more time to write substantial entries here. I usually just blab using bullet points, a lazy tool that supports incoherent streams of thought.
I should really, really, really learn to utilize my free time better. It's a fucking tragedy just how much of my life I waste on not doing things.
Just because
With my kind-of-new Tumblr (which keeps my mainstream favorites and
anecdotal blog entries) and actual diary (which contains thoughts and
feelings too human to reveal, lest you want to appear vulnerable slash
pathetic), I usually have nothing left to write on this Livejournal. I
have recently taken on to writing profusely on my diary again,
something I haven't done since I started this LJ. I have no intentions
of deleting this journal though, as it contains five years of my life
which I can only relive by clicking the archives button. I will most
likely transfer my personal Tumblr contents here in the future, same
way I did for my Tabulas entries two years ago. I'm a sucker for
streamlined online existence. Having more than one online blog for an
extended period of time just doesn't feel right to me. But for now,
it's alright. I wish I have more time to write substantial entries
here. I usually just blab using bullet points, a lazy tool that
supports incoherent streams of thought.
I should really, really, really learn to utilize my free time better. It's a fucking tragedy just how much of my life I waste on not doing things.
I should really, really, really learn to utilize my free time better. It's a fucking tragedy just how much of my life I waste on not doing things.
Oh hey
I'm in my brother's deserted bedroom right now
and I have yet to start on the Baller research report which is due
tomorrow. I've been given more than enough time for this, and I haven't
finished it yet. I'm not using my bedroom PC right now because being in
my own room seems have a magical way of putting me to sleep. So I'm
here, the same room where I have crammed and finished school papers
before I got my own PC in my room. I hope this old PC doesn't die on
me. Must.buy.laptop.soon. I think I could have finished that report if
I started at 7pm. But I didn't. Geez.
It's like this. In college, no matter how bad things got, I knew that I should never get a failing grade. I deemed repeating a subject as a waste of time and I didn't want to have to spend twice on the same course. It just wasn't an option, you know? Like that option didn't exist and I couldn't allow myself to even think of it. And though I came close to flunking on several subjects, a subconscios part of me knew that there was no way I could let that happen. So whenever i saw my grades going into that dipping point, I start strategizing ways on how to get it to at least a passing grade. Usually, this involved spending the last few nights of the term studying like a madman to get an 80+/100 in the final exams, but there were also times when it meant approaching the teacher and negotiating. And other creative ways, the most unusual of which involved bringing my brother to school. I never resorted to cheating, though. Point is, I did whatever it took to prevent that thing from happening. Simply because it wasn't an option, it wasn't an option at all.
So there. I just have to remind myself this. I can prevent things from happening if I do something. It's been a year since graduation and my first three jobs didn't really have that much at stake. I learned a lot from all of them but i never stayed long enough to like feel really pressured. I think in the past year, I've pretty much acquired an extremely laid-back attitude. I've kind of forgotten how it was to pull something off despite the darnest of circumstances. And this is what my boss told me after saying that she can't believe I've been missing deadline after deadline. When she was starting out, she said, she never missed a single one, she still doesn't miss a single one. She does whatever it takes. Becase for her, missing a deadline is not an option. Ah fuck the way she looked at me like wtf is wrong with you why can't you fucking finish this why are you giving me an incomplete report. And I wanted to shake her and tell her that i know what she means, you know? I know what she means when she said that you do whatever it takes to get things done. I wanted to tell her about the several times I almost failed but didn't because I did everything humanly possible to steer things my way. But I haven't pulled-off a lot of things lately. On the contrary, I've been allowing failure to be an option. I don't know what's happening but I've been a whole lot of irresponsible. Like sleeping even though I haven't finished a report to be presented the next day. Showing up late and dripping wet for a client meeting. Trying to trick them with my vague explanations. And crap, these people can see right through my bullshit. It's not a matter of cutting corners anymore. It's no longer a matter of "getting away with it" or passing something off as quality work when it really isn't. I want no I need to be able to push myself again the same way I pushed myself every single term in college. Screwing up is not an option. Screwing up is not an option. Screwing up is not a fucking option Anna. Finish this fucker.
Maybe I should have stayed in SM? They're so darn strict there, I might have learned to be more professional, at the very least. I cannot afford to screw up. I need to be able to walk away from this with a decent recommendation. Whatever it takes. pakshyet.
It's like this. In college, no matter how bad things got, I knew that I should never get a failing grade. I deemed repeating a subject as a waste of time and I didn't want to have to spend twice on the same course. It just wasn't an option, you know? Like that option didn't exist and I couldn't allow myself to even think of it. And though I came close to flunking on several subjects, a subconscios part of me knew that there was no way I could let that happen. So whenever i saw my grades going into that dipping point, I start strategizing ways on how to get it to at least a passing grade. Usually, this involved spending the last few nights of the term studying like a madman to get an 80+/100 in the final exams, but there were also times when it meant approaching the teacher and negotiating. And other creative ways, the most unusual of which involved bringing my brother to school. I never resorted to cheating, though. Point is, I did whatever it took to prevent that thing from happening. Simply because it wasn't an option, it wasn't an option at all.
So there. I just have to remind myself this. I can prevent things from happening if I do something. It's been a year since graduation and my first three jobs didn't really have that much at stake. I learned a lot from all of them but i never stayed long enough to like feel really pressured. I think in the past year, I've pretty much acquired an extremely laid-back attitude. I've kind of forgotten how it was to pull something off despite the darnest of circumstances. And this is what my boss told me after saying that she can't believe I've been missing deadline after deadline. When she was starting out, she said, she never missed a single one, she still doesn't miss a single one. She does whatever it takes. Becase for her, missing a deadline is not an option. Ah fuck the way she looked at me like wtf is wrong with you why can't you fucking finish this why are you giving me an incomplete report. And I wanted to shake her and tell her that i know what she means, you know? I know what she means when she said that you do whatever it takes to get things done. I wanted to tell her about the several times I almost failed but didn't because I did everything humanly possible to steer things my way. But I haven't pulled-off a lot of things lately. On the contrary, I've been allowing failure to be an option. I don't know what's happening but I've been a whole lot of irresponsible. Like sleeping even though I haven't finished a report to be presented the next day. Showing up late and dripping wet for a client meeting. Trying to trick them with my vague explanations. And crap, these people can see right through my bullshit. It's not a matter of cutting corners anymore. It's no longer a matter of "getting away with it" or passing something off as quality work when it really isn't. I want no I need to be able to push myself again the same way I pushed myself every single term in college. Screwing up is not an option. Screwing up is not an option. Screwing up is not a fucking option Anna. Finish this fucker.
Maybe I should have stayed in SM? They're so darn strict there, I might have learned to be more professional, at the very least. I cannot afford to screw up. I need to be able to walk away from this with a decent recommendation. Whatever it takes. pakshyet.
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